Learn to Schmooze: Bridging

Learn to Schmooze: Bridging

By Ed Vasicek

Some people are colder than fish in an Alaskan River.   They will barely utter a syllable.   Their philosophy of conversation is this:  "I won't speak unless I am sure that I can improve upon silence."   On the opposite end of the spectrum are those who gab on and on and drive everyone crazy (or think the purpose of conversation is to complain).   But cherished are those who make others feel comfortable, who are at home with people, who encourage and bring cheer with them.   They are the schmoozers of society.

Last time I quoted a definition from the book,  "The Golden Rule of Schmoozing;" let me repeat it:   "Schmoozing is the Golden Rule at full throttle.  It's a skill and an art form that encourages people to say, 'you've made my day' instead of demanding, 'make my day...A schmoozer is someone who talks to people as if they really mattered-and to her, they do.... Schmoozing is making them feel better about themselves."

Whether conscious of it or not, schmoozers understand the difference between BONDING relationships and BRIDGING relationships.    In Robert Putnam's book, "Bowling Alone," he defines bonding relationships as "exclusive," whereas he describes bridging relationships as "inclusive."

Let me illustrate.  When we have a guest speaker at our church, we want someone who agrees with our belief system.  Our philosophy of church is that we are a bonding community, and it is our common beliefs that unite us: we hold them sacred.

On the other hand, if we offered our members a course in first aid, we would not screen the theology of the guest instructor, because our relationship would be a bridging one, not a bonding one.    The common factor is our shared humanity (the key thought of bridging relationships), not our theology.  As a matter of fact, if I required first aid, I would prefer a competent atheistic medic to a devout bungler!

We usually bond with those whose views or personalities mesh well with ours, but we can bridge with those who are very different from us.     Schmoozers sometimes have strong political, religious, or social convictions, yet they are able to bridge with those whose views are every bit as potent but quite different.

Let me share a few bridging principles I have picked up over the years:

(1) Silence should not be equated with agreement.    If I disagree with someone, I do not necessarily have to address the matter unless my opinion is asked.

(2) Being friendly with those whose views I detest is not an endorsement of those views.    If our differences are numerous and held with deep conviction, we may not be capable of becoming friends (bonding), but we can at least be friendly and find common ground.

(3) People are to be valued as people, not functionaries.    A schmoozer reigns supremely in this department.   Schmoozers possess a special sympathy for those who deal with the public.  John Q. Public loves to gripe but rarely acknowledges a job "well done."    I extend myself to treat clerks and workers as human beings, not two-dimensional non-persons who have no existence apart from their jobs.  Life is frequently discouraging and schmoozers try to offset this in their minuscule way.   Schmoozers attempt to be pro-actively kind.

(4) Being friendly is risky, but worth it.    About 10% of the population is made up of complete sourpusses, people whose veins flow with vinegar.    If you attempt to be friendly and have found your one in ten, write it off to experience: "it takes two to bridge."  Some people are threatened by those who are different, and are therefore unwilling to bridge.  That's okay.   We should offer our friendliness, but others have the right to accept or reject it.   Schmoozing means initiating, and initiators risk embarrassment and rejection. 

Since most attempts at schmoozing are successful, you will convince yourself that it is worth the effort (failures notwithstanding)-if you give it a shot. Warning: schmoozing is addictive.  And you may leave a trail of smiling faces, glad you were there, not rejoicing at your departure.

(Ed Vasicek is the pastor of Highland Park Church and WELCOMES your comments through e-mail at edvasicek@gmail.com).