Social Skills Part One

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Introduction to Connecting

By Ed Vasicek

 

I like the story about a married couple who decided to become more neighborly. They spied a U-haul truck across the street, so the wife baked a peach pie and strolled over to deliver the treat to her neighbors. She rang the bell, and soon a woman appeared at the door.

 

"Welcome to the neighborhood! Here's a pie to welcome you. My name is Susan Samson," she cheerfully stated, extending the baked gift.

 

"Well, that's wonderful of you, Susan," replied the neighbor. My name is Tricia Marino. But I don't think you understand. We've lived here for seven years. We are not moving in, we're moving out!"

 

Greetings and welcome to my new series about connecting and making friends.  Statistically, since you probably read the Tribune steadily, the odds say you are strong in the realm of social skills. Reading the community paper and voting regularly are two hallmarks of social connectedness. But all of us (and I certainly include myself) have plenty of room to grow.

 

In the ministry, we talk about "preaching to the choir." That means we are trying to convince those who are already on our side.  If I seem to be preaching to the choir (because folks who need these articles most do not read the Tribune),  perhaps a few of you "choir members" might pass these articles along!

 

For twenty-four years, I have been a minister of the Gospel.  Some career specialists categorize ministry under "people helping." Although some of us may claim a higher primary calling, we do, in fact, help a lot of people. And it is great when we can see people change in a positive way.

 

I have seen many people improve their connecting skills over those years; this warms my heart. Yet in other instances, I have observed folks with a stubborn resolve to whine about loneliness (while blaming others for it). They refuse to address the real issues involved. Since enjoying other people is a central factor for life enjoyment, it saddens me to see folks sleep in the bed they have made and then remake the same bed over and over again.

 

Unfortunately, society offers alternatives to addressing the lack of commitment, arrogance, poor social skills, and lack of initiative that tends to isolate individuals who have never learned to connect. We call these social offerings "programs."  Although numerous folks involved in programs do successfully connect, more and more Americans are hiding their loneliness and social dysfunctionality through contrived and forced relationships. They do not develop true friendships, but merely see familiar faces. They make acquaintances, but few friends. These highly structured "friendships" resemble a Hollywood set: on the surface, they look acceptable, but...

 

I personally make a distinction between social friends and what I call "ministries." When a friend walks into the room, I usually smile, feel a sense of relaxation, and am generally glad to see that person. When a "ministry" enters, I feel stressed and uncomfortable. Sometimes people who are "ministries" to us are friends to others. More often they are ministries to all. I love seeing such persons transformed into smile makers.

 

But the modern emphasis upon "unconditional acceptance" sometimes nurtures the socially inept by enabling them to mix with others while never expecting them to learn consideration, putting others first, or developing basic social skills. Some folks are takers and other are givers, but the best relationships involve a balance between the two (not necessarily an exact equality). It is one thing to accept and help the socially inept, another to reinforce their way of thinking by continuous accommodation.

 

To make matters more complex, some people are willing to give but never receive. They latch on to these takers and form an unhealthy symbiotic relationship. This is not a friendship, but simply two messed up people enabling one another. The giver enjoys being owed but never wants to be in the debt of another. Nasty stuff, this is.

 

Programs (or contrived and forced relationship groupings, whether at school, church, or work) may give one a false sense of social involvement. Although this is better than not socializing at all, folks without connecting skills merely visit people but do not really get attached to others. I would argue that a sense of attachment is a major ingredient in friendship.

 

Do not get me wrong: social people are by nature participators and so ARE involved in programs. Whereas they may use programs to connect to others, they do not NEED those programs (nor do they need to be surrounded by massive numbers to develop a social life). All they need is exposure to a moderate number of people.

 

In this new series, I would like to explore WHY modern Americans do not connect as well as many of our forefathers did. I then want to address developing the skills and mentality that make connecting more likely. So join me as we tackle, "Connecting According to Vasicek." Must dash.