A Battle Plan to Become Connected

A Battle Plan to Become Connected

By Ed Vasicek

A man walked into the doctor's office. 

"Come in," invited the fatherly physician. Sit down and tell me what's wrong."

"Well doc," the patient explained, "whenever I put weight on my left ankle, it hurts. What should I do?"

"Well that's easy," replied the M.D., "don't put pressure on your left ankle!"

Greetings and welcome to another column about connecting to others and friendship. For the past few weeks, we have been diagnosing why modern Americans are not as connected to others as were their forefathers. But, unlike the unhelpful physician, I hope to offer practical advice about treating this problem.

Although I was reared to be a good conversationalist (well, in my view, anyhow) and have always had a few good friends, I have become more of a participator than I used to be. My wife used to have to push me out the door all the time, now I sometimes have to nudge her. We can change and grow. Really. Anyhow, let me list my thoughts.

My first piece of advice is perhaps the most crucial and what helped me the most: get convinced that becoming a connector (and developing friendships) is crucial to your well-being. When I taught about this in our church, I highlighted many theological reasons why we should have a social life. I will not include them here, only to say that you were designed to be a social being and you are more fulfilled when you follow that design. If you do not convince yourself that it is well worth the effort to get connected, you will almost certainly "chicken out" and resort to your current status quo. Your first awkward situation will find you retreating with your tail tucked between your legs.

Part of being convinced is nurturing a sense of discontent with your current isolated style of living. Unhappiness can motivate us to take the risk necessary to change. This attitude needs to be coupled with an openness to learn, a "teachability." If you are too proud to learn from others, you may as well hang it up. I am thankful the role models I saw and the material I read.

My second piece of advice is to engage in reorganizing your life. You must be willing to do less if your life's schedule is already bursting. Friendship and connecting take place within the realm of time. You cannot add a time commitment in one area without displacing another. Some of you try, don't you? You know I'm right.

No time, no connections. Overtime, working two jobs, spotless housecleaning, etc., preclude the possibility of a social life. How about starting by cutting down television (and computer) times in half? Control your spending so you do not need to work two jobs. If you had a better social life, you wouldn't need to try to buy happiness anyway.

My third piece of advice: start participating in your community in simple ways.  Read the paper, vote in the elections, chat with neighbors, volunteer, join clubs and organizations. If you are a church attender, volunteer to serve within your church; attend the dinners and parties, participate in the flock groups, and actively engage in the opportunities most congregations offer. If you want to connect, you need to do much more than merely attend the morning service.

My fourth piece of advice is this: develop a variety of interests (and I don't mean movies, videos, and computer games!). Develop interests in activities that require participation: sports, craft classes, hobbies, cards (oh, what a better nation we would have if families would play cards more and watch TV less), board games, or clubs (walking clubs, stamp clubs, dance clubs, cooking clubs, wood carving clubs, coffee clubs, environmental clean-up clubs, bike clubs, service organizations - on and on it goes). How do you find out about what's available? Read the paper (clip out anything that you might find interesting), ask your friends, and keep your eyes open.

I am sometimes amazed at two extremes I see: people who view life as nothing but an opportunity to have fun, and people who view life as anything but having fun. There is more to life than fun (but that's another column). But, on the other hand, growing numbers of people seem not to "have a life." They work, watch television, go to sleep, get up to go to work...on and on it goes. I am convinced that a balanced stance is the best stance. I am also convinced that folks who do not participate in legitimate pleasures are more vulnerable to illegitimate pleasures. Developing a variety of interests not only adds fun and depth to life, it ups the likelihood of connecting to others. I would remind my more ascetic Christian brothers that God "...richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment" (I Tim.6:17). So maybe we should start enjoying some of those things, eh?

My fifth piece of advice is also crucial: learn to be a good conversationalist.  This is so crucial, my next few columns will be dedicated to discuss discussion (or converse about conversation, your choice).  Until then, must dash.