Connecting Part Two

The Feel of Friendship

By Ed Vasicek

Greetings and welcome to another installment in my current series, "Connecting According to Vasicek," columns about relating to others in friendship. Solomon ibn Gabirol wrote, "A man without friends is like a left hand without a right." I agree.

Today, I would like to talk about the feel of friendship. This is a complicated subject because human relationships vary with circumstances. Contemplate these comments from Harvard professor Samuel Huntington in his landmark work, "The Clash of Civilizations":

"...a woman psychologist in the company of a dozen women who work at other occupations thinks of herself as a psychologist; with a dozen male psychologists, she thinks of herself as a woman. People define their identity by what they are not...Two Europeans, one German and one French, interacting with each other will identify each other as German and French. Two Europeans, one German and one French, interacting with two Arabs, one Saudi and one Egyptian, will define themselves as Europeans and Arabs..."

This principle applies to friendship as well. My best friend growing up (Joe, an Italian-American) and I shared a wonderful friendship. But when Joe's Italian buddies showed up, I was left out and played the role of an outcast. The commitment of friendship never wavered, but its manifestation altered.

Two young married couples might become friends. If one couple has children and the second does not, the friendship may be put on the back burner for a decade. Unless the couple with children has easy access to baby-sitting, they might gravitate toward other couples with similarly aged children. The kids can then play together while the parents visit, and both sets of parents are hardened to the constant interruption cycle of questions and conflicts (as well as the sudden cancellations caused by ear infections and viruses).

The couple without kids might become impatient and stressed with these situations, thus resulting in an unpleasant time for all. When the children are older, however, the original friendship might pick up where it left off.

Another hallmark of friendship is that friends talk and interact with one another. The ability to hold meaningful discussions is essential. Not everyone is meant to be extroverted, but the ability to converse is part of what makes us human. The art of conversation is so very important that I will be deliberate about it in future columns.

Friends support one another during life's trials. This may involve serving as a listening ear, confidant, or prayer warrior. Shakespeare put it this way, "A friend should bear a friend's infirmities, But Brutus makes mine greater than they are."

Friends consider it a pleasure, not a chore, to socialize. Our friends generally make us happy, and we return the blessing. This mutuality often revolves around having some (not all) things in common (this is what the term "fellowship" means). Although my friend Charlie, for instance, is older than my parents would be, and although we hold divergent political viewpoints, we have much in common. Our friendship revolves around what we have in common, not our diversities. People who emphasize areas of commonality are much more likely to have friends than are those who highlight areas of difference. This is why socially competent people "feel out" others before tactlessly and recklessly broadcasting their viewpoints.

Because friendship involves mutual areas of interest or overlap, each friendship has a differing flavor. We might have friends for conversation and others for card playing. We might have church friends, work friends, neighborhood friends, and "stage of life" friends.

Friendships may grow around "social lubricants." My veterinarian buddy shared with me how pets serve as one type of "social lubricant." If you are walking through the park alone, no one will speak a word to you. If you are leashed to a Great Dane, people will question you or comment about your canine. If you are pushing a stroller with a pudgy smiling baby, practically every woman in town will want a peek. More pinpointed interests (participating in sports, bicycle clubs, etc.) provide a basis for potential friendships.

Friendship requires initiative. At least one (and ideally both) parties must initiate activities. Some people never initiate. They have to be asked, but they will never call, never invite, and never get the ball rolling. If there every was a recipe for loneliness, the first ingredient would be, "do not initiate; wait for someone else to take the lead. "Initiate, initiate, initiate!" Can you hear me shouting?

My last thought for today is this: friendships require time and energy commitments. As the cynic put it, "The trouble with having friends is the upkeep." He is right. I can think of a number of people I would love to socialize with, but, like many of you, my time and energy are limited.

You might want to develop a friendship with John Smith or Jane Doe, but if Johnny or Janie do not have the time, it simply cannot be. Friendship requires two people with time (and a willingness to commit) to share together. Little time makes for few friends (which is why workaholics typically do not have a social life). Must dash.