Why do we enjoy people less? Part one

Why Do We Enjoy People Less

By Ed Vasicek

Two or three years ago I wrote a long series of articles about "social connectedness." Much of my information was gleaned from Robert Putnam's book, "Bowling Alone." Although I do not want to throw statistics, graphs, and charts at you, "Bowling Alone" documents that the generations after the World War II generation have become increasingly anti-social and disconnected.

Clubs across American are closing their doors because elderly members are passing on but not being replaced by younger members. Baby boomers are half as likely to read the daily community paper as their parents' generation, and Generation X cuts that half in half again. The statistics are in and the evidence is conclusive: modern Americans do not connect nearly as well as did their forefathers - no ifs, ands, or buts about it. People have friends over less often, play cards more rarely, and join bowling leagues less frequently.

About the only organization that is doing well socially is the church, (which, because of the lack of connectedness in our society, has taken the added role of providing its members with more and more social and connecting activities).

Still the questions remain: (1) Why are we less connected than our forefathers? and (2) What can we do about it? Glad you asked. Greetings and welcome to another installment in my current series about connecting and friendship! In today's column, I will attempt to succinctly answer the first question above.  My answers to this question have resulted from ravenous reading and observation; they are not complete answers, but the ones that rise to the surface - at least in my brain.

One reason we do not connect well nowadays is that many of us are afraid to get attached to others. People move frequently. Other people are unstable and hop from club to club, job to job, and church to church. We reason to ourselves, "Why get connected to someone just to have them leave?"

Besides mobility and instability, many folks are afraid to connect because of abusive pasts and heartbreaks. The biggest problem with this fear of connecting is that there is a sense of logic behind it. The question is: Is connecting so worthwhile that it is worth taking the risk of first getting connected and then later feeling abandoned?  Many folks say, "no."

Another reason we do not connect to others is refusal to take initiative. Back in the 1950's, the label to avoid was "communist." But now the current trend says the worst thing to be called is "arrogant" (proud is okay, just not arrogant).  This additional fear of being thought of as arrogant or pushy adds to the intimidation many already feel about taking initiative. It is much safer to be passive rather than to make things happen.

Another fear we have is the fear of confrontation. If we avoid getting too close to people, we will avoid disagreements and debate. Staying away from others may be depressing and lonely, but it is peaceful. I am reminded of an obscure verse from the book of Proverbs: "Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox comes an abundant harvest" (14:4). What this Proverb means is that some things in life are a lot of trouble, but they are worth it. If you want the benefits of having an ox, you have to take the responsibility of maintaining the beast.

In our context, it boils down to this: Is a social life and enjoying friends worth the price tag of potential conflicts?  Or are conflicts so nasty that it is not worth taking the risk? If you want your life to be rich, you will have to believe you can live through conflicts. Pleasant -  no; survivable, yes!

The biggest reason we do not have the social lives our forefathers did is because we short circuit our social energy to ground by directing it toward television, videos, movies, video-games, internet, and other types of non-participatory entertainment. Please get this: WE HAVE REPLACED PEOPLE WITH TECHNOLOGY. And when you combine this thought with those mentioned above, they form a blockage in the plumbing of our social lives worse than hair, wax, and grease combined!

Technology robs us of our time, energy, creativity, social skills, and discretionary funds. It works around our schedules, requires no planning, and provides a cyber world to which we may escape. When our computer crashes, we go throw a sort of withdrawal (I've personally felt it). When the internet is down, we are at a loss.

There are several other reasons why we fail to connect: I'll mention a few more next week.  Until then, must dash.