Schmoozing Primer

Schmoozing and Reciprocity

By Ed Vasicek

The phone rings.   You recognize the voice, but you are surprised: it's  a couple--acquaintances who have never previously expressed a bit of concern about your family.    All of a sudden--out of the blue--they set up a time to stop by and visit.  Though surprised at their newfound friendliness, you welcome them with open arms.   Maybe people do change after all!   After exchanging courteous words, you discover the actual motive of their visit: network marketing (or religious proselytizing).   They claim a sudden rebirth of concern about people and relationships, and no, it is not because they are marketing a product or trying to build a pyramid.    Of course if you are not interested in this "opportunity," their newfound "selfless interest" dissipates.

Greetings and welcome to our series about social connectedness.  Each article is designed to stand independently, so if you are a "visitor," take heart.   Thus far, I have proposed several suggestions to help nudge us in the direction of becoming socially connected: cut down television/computer time, read the community paper, make time for socializing, reject socially destructive trends and avoid the "anonymous lifestyle."   Today I would like to merely introduce another suggestion, "learn to schmooze."   This is a hefty subject requiring several columns.

Schmoozing is a Yiddish word for which there is no English equivalent, defined by Webster as "to converse informally or chat."    The word's implications have sometimes been sadly altered to mean anything from manipulating others to living a social but unanchored lifestyle.

Sometimes schmoozing is equated with salesmanship or the ability to talk oneself into or out of a situation.    For example, in one of the Kokomo Tribune's recent "Parade Magazine" columns, the columnist was asked about the survival of Louis Freeh as the director of the FBI.  The journalist answered, "He's been extremely effective at schmoozing Congress and courting the press."

In his book, "The Golden Rule of Schmoozing," Aye Jaye explains the term "schmoozing" in a positive way,  "Schmoozing is the Golden Rule at full throttle.  It's a skill and an art form that encourages people to say, 'you've made my day' instead of demanding, 'make my day.'"   

He continues, "A schmoozer is someone who talks to people as if they really mattered-and to her, they do.... Schmoozing is volunteering.   In schmoozing, you are volunteering yourself to another person, while at the same time making them feel better about themselves.   Through schmoozing, we have a genuine chance to make crime and divorce rates drop, teach kids to respect elders and expect elders to teach kids...."

In my mind, schmoozing is the opposite of complaining, demanding, and keeping to oneself.   A schmoozer enjoys people but is not out to manipulate them.   He is not afraid of the negative, but prefers the positive.

Unlike the example at the article's beginning, a schmoozer enjoys people without ulterior motive.    She may realize that relationships add richness to ones life; he may find the old rule that it is "more blessed to give than to receive" more than a quotation, but an actual truth; she might be convinced that it really is important to love one's neighbor.

A schmoozer believes in what Robert Putnam calls, "generalized reciprocity," which is the opposite of "specific reciprocity." Specific reciprocity is an attitude that says, "I'll do this for you, but then you must do this for me."  In contrast, generalized reciprocity speaks thusly, "I'll contribute toward society at large, and hopefully when I need to receive from society, someone will be there (not necessarily you) for me."  In generalized reciprocity, there is no book keeping, nor obsession with receiving as much one gives.

I enjoy people who believe in "generalized reciprocity," but I have no close friendships with those who keep track of favors owed (in either direction), who are out to balance the books, who are determined to receive as much as they give.   They are destined to be lonely souls.

Schmoozers are rarely lonely.   Of course, being a schmoozer means more than generalized reciprocity, but you can't become a true schmoozer without it.

(Ed Vasicek is pastor of Highland Park Church and invites your comments through e-mail at edvasicek@gmail.com)