Advancing Conversation

Conversation: Forward Ho!

By Ed Vasicek

Most of my friends know that I am a fanatical fan of the "Emeril Live" television show. I agree that "pork fat rules," and I love to "kick it up a notch" with some hot sauce. But Emeril is also a prime example of a master conversationalist. If you watch his program, he seems to be talking not only to his live audience, but directly to you, the viewer.

There are many ways to learn and improve ones conversational skills (including these columns), but one of the best methods is still the "monkey see, monkey do" method.  Imitation is the best starting point for an apprentice in any field. And skilled conversationalists are always attempting to hone their ability by learning from others.

Greetings and welcome to the last installment of my current series, "Connecting to Others."  Conversation is key if we are to connect well and make friends. Some of you were brought up in front of the television set, and now you plant your kids there with a pile of videos. You know who you are. Stop it, will you?  Start talking-and teach them the art of conversation!

A couple of weeks ago, my column emphasized the importance of small talk. Last week we discussed starting a conversation. Today's theme is, "deepening a conversation."

Let's suppose you have begun a conversation. How can you funnel the conversation into more stimulating paths? Behold, I offer a plethor, a plethura, errr, a few suggestions:

First, discover the topics that your partner in conversation really ENJOYS discussing. You do this by asking questions and noting clues. If you are smart, you will also drop a few hints yourself: "Excuse me for yawning; I was awake till three in the morning messing with my new computer" or, "Sorry about my limp; I sprained my ankle playing soccer yesterday."

Everyone has what Don Gabor calls, "hot buttons." My hot buttons include Bible, food, vintage jazz music, and old-time comedians. If my partner in dialogue and I share a hot button, BINGO! If not, we can search for subjects we find at least somewhat interesting (mini bingo).

It is taboo to bore others with what fascinates you (okay, save the preacher jokes till later - and shame on you!). My friend Dan was a big time football fan. I hate football (this is one reason my wife married me). This guy would talk about football games and I'd tell him, "Dan, I have no interest in football.

None at all" (you give up early trying to be tactful with some people). That didn't matter - Dan kept blabbering away. I'd scold him, "Dan, I told you I hate football. Now stop talking about it." It didn't phase him one bit. He was going to describe the plays not matter what I did. Grrr.

Second, try to balance the conversation. Balance does not necessary mean conversation must be a 50-50 split, but it does rule out a 95-5 ratio. Since I am quite verbal (a gentlemen's way of saying I can talk too much), I have learned to literally force myself to shut up in an attempt to balance a conversation. You can tell when my internal battle is intense - I begin doodling!  Working toward balance may require conscious effort and intentionality. It sure does for me.

Third, change topics when an old one is worn out. I struggle with this one, too. Back in my college days, my floor mates at Moody would frequently reprove me, "Run it into the ground Ed. Run it into the ground." When appropriate, Marylu sometimes quotes my college pals!

Fourth, after the other person is done with her spiel, summarize what she has said in your own words. This assures her that you were actually listening and now understand her viewpoint. Additionally, this discipline will train you to become a better listener.

Fifth, alert yourself to cultural differences. Use sense to know what subjects to address and what is taboo. Some common cultural mistakes are: mistaking a Canadian for an American, confusing a Chinese man with a Japanese man, or extending ones left hand to an Arab. When speaking to Italians, the Mafia is a taboo subject. Germans do not appreciate comments about World War II or Nazis.  Most Americans are turned off conversationally by criticism. Complaining about the food in the school cafeteria may be cool in high school, but chronic complainers are loaners in adult life.

Sixth, express warmth. This may involve showing patience, checking perfectionist tendencies, demonstrating emotion (laughing, variety in vocal patterns, etc.), a pat on the back, or general enthusiasm. Many people who are truly warm inside project an image that is cold or snobby on the outside.

The first step toward curing that misrepresentation is to become aware of it (unfortunately, other individuals come across as cold and snobby precisely because they are).

I hope you have enjoyed this series about connecting to others. Until next week, must dash.