The friendship factor

The Friendship Factor

By Ed Vasicek

It is said that exorcists rarely have many friends. Why is that? Because they usually scare the devil out of them!

Greetings and welcome to the second in a series, "Connecting According to Vasicek." We live in a time when fewer and fewer Americans seem to know how to connect to others. This seems especially true with the Baby Boom generation and Generation X (though today's teens seem to be doing better in this department).

More than just a generational quirk, the ability to connect to others is a major "quality of life" issue: people who connect well are almost always significantly happier in life than those who fail to connect. Additionally, society as a whole benefits when people connect (less crime, more family success, better SAT scores, etc.). So this isn't just an issue of taste: connecting can arguably be numbered among America's most crucial issues.

Today we are going to specifically address the subject of friendship. Why do some people have friends while others seem to be bankrupt in this department? Let me begin answering that question today by sharing the first of several assertions.

Here is today's assertion: people who have good friends are usually comfortable with human nature. Let me get specific about this by enumerating several behaviors (practiced by connectors) that define what it means to be comfortable with human nature.

First, they respect the dignity of what it means to be human. For people who embrace Judeo-Christian values, for example, this means embracing the conviction that people are created in the image of God. So they have a respect for all individuals despite their individual differences, including race, educational level, age, or social strata.

Second, they recognize that evil is present within us all. Those of us who embrace an evangelical viewpoint more specifically recognize a "sinful nature" resident within each one of us, hearts that are "deceitful and desperately wicked." Therefore, it does not surprise us to find self-centeredness and iniquity within even the best of us (in varying degrees).

The implication is that we should take precautions against evil; none of us are immune. We are now free from trying to maintain the illusion that individuals are wholly good or wholly evil; we are therefore free to get to know others well; we anticipate finding "feet of clay" in even the best of people.

Third, they recognize that no one personality type is ideal. If you recall my series about temperaments, we generally hold our individual personality type in highest regard. Yet we recognize that if the world were made up of others just like us, it would be one boring world. Rather than try to force others into our image, connectors learn to appreciate a variety of perspectives and differences. We make friends not only with those who reinforce our temperaments, but also with those who compliment them.

Fourth, they accept the frailties that accompany the human condition:  moods, narrowness of mind, irrationality, stubbornness, fear of something new, or the pride that evades apology. Friends should and do confront one another about these mentalities, but they temper their correction with an acceptance of the human condition.

Fifth, they do not readily mock, flinch, or point out human weakness or imperfection in others. If someone is absent-minded, they do not mockingly smile at their lapses; if a friend cannot afford to dine out, they do not pry into his or her methods of money-management; they do not mention a friend's weight gain nor freely offer unsolicited simplistic advice. People who connect might think the chicken needs more paprika, but they do not offer their opinion. Neither do they flaunt their superiority in any of these areas.

Accepting human nature does not mean everyone and anyone will become our good friends. Although we can be friendly with many kinds of people, we will only "hit it off" with a small number of people. How do we know we have a good friend?  Ralph Waldo Emmerson used this litmus test definition of friendship: "A person with whom I may be sincere." You can let down your guard and speak freely and without apology to a friend.

So you can see that if we are not at ease with our own humanity (thus refusing to share our vulnerability), or the humanity of others, our friendships will be forced and contrived. People who pretend have pretend friendships, for others can sense how comfortable you are with the human condition. If you keep your masks up, they will probably not drop theirs. Real friendships are nurtured in an environment of honesty, safety and acceptance -- not competition, status, nor unrealistic expectations. So what about you? Are you comfortable with your own humanity? The humanity of others? If so, you have an edge in making close friends. If not, you have a social handicap that needs to be addressed. Must dash.