People Who Are Likely to Have Friends

People Who Are Likely To Have Friends

By Ed Vasicek

Friends do not always know the right things to say, but they try.

Two friends hadn't seen one another for years. As they met, one said to the other, "How's your wife?"

"She's in heaven," replied his friend.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the man answered. Then, realizing the tactlessness of his answer, he said, "I mean, I'm glad."

Realizing that statement could be misunderstood, he then offered, "what I really mean is that I'm surprised."

Greetings and welcome to another installment in our current series, "Connecting to Others." We have been discussing friendship and relating well to others. In previous articles, I mentioned that people today are less connected and less likely to enjoy friendships than were our forefathers. The great news is that the youngest generation (sometimes called Generation Y or the "Millennials") have rediscovered the art of connecting. 

We have talked about the importance of accepting the realities of the human condition, something that we Baby Boomers and Generation Xers find difficult to do (with our perfectionist or cynical attitudes, respectively). We then contemplated the feel of friendship.

Today's column might be considered simplistic to some. Whereas we human beings are very complex creatures, and whereas human relationships meander every which way, some relational realities are not all that complex. Today, we are going to describe the qualities we can observe among individuals who socialize well with others. In a sense, these descriptions can serve as personal objectives for us to attain; actually attaining these goals is where the complexity sets in! So what are connectors like?

First of all, good connectors are generally positive and encouraging, at least sometimes. In my opinion, folks who are always positive are often unrealistic.  Despite all the positive attitude literature out there, much of life is, in fact, negative. Good connectors do not deny the negative, they simply prefer to tip the scales toward the positive. Does this mean that men or women with a melancholic or pessimistic temperament cannot connect? Certainly not. It is a matter of choosing to be relationally positive and encouraging, not changing the core of ones being. It takes effort for a negative person to express himself positively, and the biggest test in this regard is how one treats those to whom she is closest: spouse and children. But it can be done.

To illustrate the consequences of negativism, Sesame Street's Oscar the Grouch lives as an isolated outcast in a garbage can. This aptly pictures the social lot of those who constantly conduct themselves negatively. We rarely choose grouches and complainers as friends. If someone is occasionally grouchy, well, we all have our moments. But constantly grouchy - forget it.

Secondly, connectors are willing to participate in groups. Loner attitudes and rugged individualism are great in "B" cowboy movies, but they are no way to live life.  Often the loner is not some strong independent person who needs no one. He or she is a fearful person who is afraid to be vulnerable and uncomfortable with human nature. Many people do not participate in group activities because of fear (fear of: looking bad, embarrassment, social awkwardness, conflict, what others think of his or her appearance, not having enough time, etc.). It is one thing to be afraid, another to be strapped and crippled by fear. 

Fearful connectors choose to participate despite their apprehension, often forcing themselves to attend parties, club meetings, and activities. In retrospect, they are almost always happy they participated. Many of you reading this column can relate to that. I must confess that participation often seems contrary to my nature. But I force myself to participate anyway -- and enjoy life more because of it.

Thirdly, connecting people usually have a number of interests. A person of many interests usually finds it easier to converse and find areas of commonality among others.

Hobbies, crafts, sports, arts, home repair, cooking - the more the merrier. In contrast, people whose lives consist of going to work and watching television do not connect well because they have no life. This creates a vicious circle: men and women without interests do not connect, but it is through connecting that we develop interests and get a life. The cycle has to be broken somewhere.

Fourthly, connectors know how to hold conversations. They may lack social charisma, but they can and do talk. More on this in the future.

Fifthly, connectors demonstrate some key virtues, like loyalty, honesty, kindness, humility, and the ability to maintain a confidence. To phrase it in the vernacular, people do not like to hang around jerks. Webster defines a jerk as a, "stupid and unsophisticated person."  Webster is wrong. I know some jerks who are very intelligent, and there is no jerk worse than a cultured jerk. No, by Vasicek standards, a jerk is someone whose character is the opposite of the virtues mentioned above: not loyal, dishonest, unkind, arrogant, self-centered, and a gossip. You heard it here.

In our next column, we will briefly answer the question, "Why do Americans enjoy people less than we used to?" Then we'll look at what we can do about it.  After that, we plan to look at the subject of conversation. So until next time, adios. Must dash!