Small Talk is Valuable

Small Talk

By Ed Vasicek

"You haven't stopped talking since I came in here," Groucho Marx complained, "You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle."

Greetings and welcome to another installment in our series, "Connecting to Others and Developing Friendships."  I have argued that many social and personal problems would dissipate if each one of us connected well to others and developed meaningful friendships. It is one of the main (but hidden) issues of our day.

We are now targeting a sub-category in the realm of connecting,  conversation.  In my last article, I urged us to aim for  balanced conversation.  Some people hold chatting in contempt; their rotten attitudes preclude them from becoming good conversationalists.  Others are shy or have never developed the social skills necessary for meaningful dialogue.  Oops - don't leave out the overly talkative folks in our deliberations. So where do we begin?  I know. Let me schmooze with you about the starting point for most conversations, small talk.

Small talk can be irritating.   How often can we discuss the weather, the kids growing up, or the gas tower implosion?  But when it comes to socializing, the art of small talk (even about these worn-out subjects) is a crucial skill.

I know one woman who deserves an award for her conversational skills.  Although she freely engages in deep conversation, she is also a master of small talk.  One day, I was making my pastoral rounds, visiting the church shut-ins. When I arrived in the nursing home room,  there was Jane chatting away with my restricted parishoner.

This particular shut-in was recovering from surgery and had a tube down her throat.  She could not speak a word, though she could nod.  Jane carried the entire conversation by herself, but get this: it was an interesting conversation!  I said to myself, "I've got to learn from this woman."  And although I will never rival her expertise, I have picked up several  pointers.

Why is small talk crucial?  First, small talk is a non-threatening way to feel another person out. One woman (related distantly by marriage) began a conversation by putting down my favorite politician.  If she had felt around for my views first, she could have made her points more tactfully and not created an adversarial situation. Test the waters before you dive in!

Second, small talk is useful to locate common interests.  If we reveal tidbits about ourselves and our partner in conversation does the same, we can put on our Sherlock Holmes caps and be ready to detect where to steer the discussion.

Third, small talk is an entertaining way to pass time and reduce life's mundane moments.  Let me propose that if we are serious about enjoying people, then we should make conversation our primary form of entertainment.  Whether bumping around on a bus ride, lingering at the license bureau, or slithering along in line, a good conversation can transform drudgery into delight.   I have experienced waiting-room conversations that left hoping they would not call my name too soon!

Fourth, small talk may potentially pave the way for deeper conversation. Although most small talk does NOT lead to deep conversations or friendship, almost all friendships begin with small talk. I do not need not to unload my cares on that poor guy I just met in a waiting room!  (We make great efforts to avoid folks who want to dump their baggage on unsuspecting strangers!)

Now that I have convinced you that small talk matters, what do you talk about?   How do you master chit-chat?   You could try bringing up the weather (it's a start).  I love to talk about food (this connects to more than half the population, we who live to eat rather than eat to live).  A better strategy is to LOOK AROUND and find something to converse about near at hand.  For example, if you are waiting at your dentist's office, ask, "How long have you been seeing Dr. Drillaway?"   If you are attending a concert or play, you might ask, "Do you attend these events often?" or, "Do you enjoy attending a lot of community events?"  If you are in line at the courthouse, ask, "I wonder if how expense that marble would be today?" Remember, many great conversations begin with the mundane!

Another strategy to improve our small talk skills is to have an interesting (but brief) anecdote on the tips of our tongues.   Introverted people might practice a story or two in an empty room (there is nothing insane about talking to oneself; look at me - well, then again...).  Just make sure it is brief, interesting, and does not insult anyone (including a gender, race, or profession).  I love to tell the story about how I had to cut back on habanero pepper sauce because my dentist found blisters on my gums and the roof of my mouth!  Talk about a hot story!

Next time, we will begin examining some protocol for conversing in general.  Until then, must dash!