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Engaging in Conversation
By Ed Vasicek
Mrs. Smith, a non-stop talker, scheduled her annual physical.
After checking her hearing, the physician informed her, "I am sorry, Mrs. Smith, but you are going deaf."
"What would cause that"" she inquired.
"Perhaps," replied the doctor, "a lack of practice."
Greetings and welcome to another column focusing upon the art of balanced conversation. In previous articles, I pointed out that connecting (and therefore conversation) is one of the key social issues of our day, affecting crime, SAT scores, and personal happiness. Although not very dramatic sounding, one of the best things you can do for your community is to connect to other people and become more social.
In my last installment, I stressed the importance of small talk. Today I would like to zoom out a little and address conversation in general. Although the sources for this series are legion (including the school of hard knocks), three relevant books stand out: "Telling Each Other the Truth" by William Backus, "How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends" by Don Gabor, and, "The Pocket Guide to Making Successful Small Talk" by Bernardo Carducci.
Since I was raised by two parents and a sister who excelled in conversation, I grew up "knowing how" to chat. I am sure many Tribune readers are in that same happy boat. When I perused those latter two books (especially Gabor's), I said to myself, "Vasicek, this IS what you instinctively do. So let's dive in.
Gabor writes, "Most shy people take the passive role when it comes to starting conversation. They wait and wait and wait, hoping someone will come along and start a conversation with them. If there are two shy people together, they're both waiting, both taking the passive role..."
I have witnessed this phenomenon many times. What especially frustrates me is that folks who refuse to take initiative (or take merely limited initiative) blame everyone and everything for their failure to connect! But they themselves are the problem (this is true not only with socially passive people, but with negative, rude, or overly aggressive folks as well). The question we need to ask is, "If others were just like me, would people connect more often or less often?"
Gabor suggests what seems to we schmoozers as second nature. Smile when you introduce yourself to someone. Give them a good handshake (and please, neither the "dead fish" handshake nor the "let me break your hand" handshake). Take the initiative to do the introducing; do not wait for another to come up to you. Do not stand around with your arms crossed, and keep your hands away from your face, please. We have no room for self sabotage.
When someone talks to you, make eye contact. Being from the Chicago area, I used to give people short glances and then look down (that's how people tend to do it in the big city). After adjusting to life in the City of Firsts, I became comfortable looking people in the eye. It took a while and seemed eerie at first. But note this surprising observation: when I am visiting in the Chicago area, people enjoy strong eye contact (even though this is contrary to their standard culture)!
As people are talking, nod (or quietly say, "right") to acknowledge a "receipt of message." People want to make sure that they are communicating. It is not enough to listen attentively to people, they also need to sense that you are listening well. Gabor suggests leaning forward as you listen (leaning back makes others think you are trying to escape; save leaning back for when you ARE trying to escape!).
When it comes to actual discussion, ask easy-to-answer questions (in moderation). Some folks leave you exhausted with their cross examinations. Take it easy, will you? Concentrate on what the other person is saying. Picking up clues will guide you in steering the conversation. Avoid interrupting (jot down thoughts if you are afraid you will forget something that comes to mind while another is talking).
Suppose your partner in conversation says, "Yes, the sun is strong today. It would be nice day to be out on the sailboat." The logical response would be to ask her more about sailing, duh. But if you are self-conscious and all flustered about what to say next or how you are coming across, you probably did not even hear what she said. Relax and take the focus off yourself. Then as you are talking, reveal information about yourself, "I would like to go sail boating, but my husband and I are always so busy with our musical group."
Lastly, offer medium sized answers. Do not answer simple probes with detailed oratorios, nor with a simple "yes or no." Aim for somewhere between two and five sentence answers. More next time. Must dash.