Our Social and Relational Skills

Social Connectedness: An Introduction

By Ed Vasicek

A man was found dead, face down in a bowl of genetically modified raisin bran.   After investigating, the coroner determined that he had been pulled under by a strong currant!

A society can also fall apart, pulled down by strong currents of individual isolation!   Greetings and welcome to the introductory article in a series about social connectedness.    This series of articles will be lengthier than most, but worth following.  A few thoughts my ruffle your feathers, so be forewarned!

There is no doubt that American social life has entered a free-fall over the last 35 years.   Harvard professor Robert Putnam authored the book, "Bowling Alone," one of two books I will frequently reference in this series.   The title of his composition is based upon the illustration that Americans bowl as frequently as ever, but rarely in leagues.   In 1962, 82 people per thousand population belonged to leagues; in 1998, that figure dropped to 22 per thousand, roughly one fourth.    Hence in all areas of social life, Americans are tending to "bowl alone."   We are no longer group participators; we are becoming more and more isolated.

Putnam argues that almost all forms of civic and social life have declined significantly.    Here are a few fascinating statistics:  (1) In 1975, the average American attended 12 club meetings per year; in 1995, that number dropped to 5; (2) In 1960, 46% of the population attended church in a given week; in 1998, that was down to 37%; (3) In 1975, the average person entertained at home 14 times; in 1998, that declined to 8; (4) In 1975, the average American played cards on 16 occasions; in 1995, that number dwindled to 8.   

As my series advances, I will provide additional facts, figures, and statistics to undergird my conclusions.  I will argue my proposition that becoming socially isolated (e.g., a social life that consists of watching TV or playing video games) is toxic to personal happiness and health (mentally and physically) AND detrimental to ones community (resulting in higher crime rates, lower SAT scores, and indifference toward others).

Since this is an introductory article, it is an appropriate time for me to mention how I became interested in this subject.  I have served as a pastor for 22 years (this is my eighteenth year in Kokomo).  Every so often, people would begin attending our church for a while (sometimes for 4 or 5 years) and then leave dissatisfied, complaining they had no friends in the church and felt disconnected.   I used to think to myself, "I've come across so many of these, why don't they connect to one another?"    In talking to my pastor buddies, I discovered the complaint was as common as snow in Alaska.   Indeed, George Barna, in his book, "The Second Coming of the Church" presents it as almost the rule:

"People are anxious to make and maintain friendships, and the church has emerged as one of the few places left where they can do so.   However, the potential for developing a network of church-based relationships is undermined by the lack of time people devote to church activities, their poor relational skills, and their disinterest in establishing a deeper commitment to the churches they attend."

Although such persons frequently blame others, in many instances they are the real problem (especially those "poor relational skills").    Put simply, a man or woman who knows how to connect and is willing to pay the price of connecting to others will have friends.   Those who do not will not.