Schmoozing People Skills

Schmoozing People Skills

By Ed Vasicek

Milton Berle writes, "A bore came over to me at a party the other day and said, 'I passed by your house the other day.'  I said, 'Thank you.'"   Some people make us sad when they leave, others make us glad.   Schmoozers usually fall in that first category.

Greetings and welcome again to our series about social connectedness.   This series is focusing upon how we can overcome the trend of social disconnectedness.     I have offered several suggestions, one of which is cutting down the amount of time we spend watching TV.   But my last suggestion, mastering the art of schmoozing, has been the topic of several installments.

We have noted that schmoozers believe in "generalized reciprocity" and enjoy others apart from agendas.    They do not expect an even return on their favors and kindnesses.  They enjoy people because they enjoy people.  We also noted that schmoozers recognize and are noted to possess a balanced combination of exclusive (bonding) and inclusive (bridging) relationships.    They do not confuse the two.

Schmoozers are a winsome lot.  Today's column will focus on their "people skills."   Let's examine a few such characteristics.

The first skill is taking initiative and being prepared with small talk.   Small talk serves many purposes: it can be thought of as a verbal handshake.  Small talk usually avoids controversial subjects and conveys information a few bytes at a time.  It can be compared to "safe mode" on a computer; slow but nondestructive.   One of the most important reasons to engage in small talk is its relaxing effect upon others, a real blessing in our tensed-up world.   Schmoozers make others feel free to be themselves.

William Backus, in his book, Telling Each Other the Truth," offers several suggestions to help non-talkers climb on the small talk bandwagon:  (1) ask interesting questions-not in rapid order, and not too many; (2) learn to tell stories (practice them first); and (3) cultivate humor (clean jokes only, please).

I am blessed (no, probably cursed) with the love of food.   Since I love to cook and eat a wide cuisine, I have found talking about food more imaginative than chatting about a barometric drop.    When I discover I am in the presence of another international "connoisseur," we may finish off our conversation licking our chops!    News events, openings of stores/restaurants, or sports may all provide subject matter for small talk.    Whatever you do, do not engage in a conversation that holds no interest for the other party. 

The second skill is breadth and depth of interest.    Develop a variety of interests, skills, or hobbies.   The more you are into, the more you can find in common with others.   Turn off the TV and the quiet will drive you to creativity!

A schmoozer practices a third social skill, encouragement.   A schmoozer looks for ways to encourage others.    This might take the form of simply saying, "well done," or sending a note of recognition.    Some fast food restaurants offer a suggestion/complaint/compliment box.  If you are served well, how about writing up a compliment?    For people of faith, offering to pray for others is a great source of encouragement.   Just make sure you come through.

Fourth, schmoozers enjoy giving things to others.   In "The Golden Rule of Schmoozing," the author proffers an illustration.   Two elderly widowers had been friends for years.  One moved to a new apartment.   He explained in detail how to take the city buses to his new home.  

"When you get there," he continued, "go up the stairs and ring the doorbell with your elbow."

"Why my elbow?" the friend asked.

"What?" replied the second, "You're not carrying anything?"

My gift giving often includes a stick of gum or a piece of candy.  It is the thought that counts.   It cheers my heart to offer a friend or clerk a sweet, particularly during that 3 to 4 p.m. low-sugar time of day.

You do not need to be a schmoozer to be socially connected.    But schmoozers do go way beyond the call of duty.   Learn to schmooze.  Learn to connect.